Photo by Uni You
Note from Kuang:
The housing add posted by Qu Yizhen captured my attention immediately—the picture showed a whole wall piled with books. We didn’t introduce ourselves when I arrived to check the flat, but we discussed a lot of Ana Karenina. I didn’t rent the flat nor did I get in touch until I came across him one night near Dongsi. That’s how the interview begins.
我三月初的时候打算搬家，在各种杂乱的转租信息中一眼看到了曲一箴发的，因为配图是一整面墙的书。我没多想就去看房了。我们没有什么寒暄，倒是讨论了许久的《安娜·卡列尼娜》。我没有租下他转租的屋子，也没有保持联系，直到有一天晚上在东四又碰见他，才有了这篇采访。
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My name is Qu Yizhen. I left Shenyang for Beijing in 1993, when I was nearly 30. I had no job when I first came here, barely able to support myself by doing home tutoring. I audited at Peking University to learn German when I was free, and I learnt to play violin.
I have learnt violin for nearly a decade, but I’m still far from being good. Still, good things have come of it—I became close friends with my violin teacher, who is a local and provided me with accommodation at his family’s old house.
I got the chance to know a Chinese-American artist when I was living at my friend’s courtyard, who led me to engage in art after that. I now have a small workshop that features some art activities from time to time. After 25 years, Beijing still amazes me and brings a fresh breeze into my life on a daily basis. And I’ve developed an understanding of the nature of art. I think that’s the biggest thing life’s given me.
Have I ever regretted any decisions? That needs some serious thought before answering.
Since leaving Shenyang, I’ve spent no more than two months a year with my parents for the past 25 years. My parents were not supportive. They wanted me to go back to Shenyang. They don’t understand what’s in Beijing that intrigues me enough to stay. I myself, of course, know what it is. The people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had here have hugely enriched my life. But there’s no way for my parents to get that, even after I explain.
I don’t really have a home now both my parents are gone. My father passed away a few years ago, and my mother died last year. Not spending enough time with them will be a lump in my throat forever, but my eagerness to pursue what I value went against being stuck in Shenyang my whole life. So I had to make a painful choice.
The one time my determination wavered was years ago when my mom had an amputation. I accompanied her for half a year, the longest time I’ve spent at home since I left in the early 1990s. But I still decided to leave at the end. My father sent me off to the station. I cried my heart out when I said goodbye. My father told me that he returned home to find my mother weeping bitterly too.
I have an elder brother and a younger sister. I’m not close with my brother at all. We share no common values so there is a huge gap between us. My sister and I, however, share an affectionate bond. What saddens me is that life hasn’t been treating her very well. She is divorced, and her children are good for nothing. She is optimistic despite the sufferings and bitterness in life.
Shenyang has changed a lot, totally different from what it was like in my memory. I used to visit my primary school and high school when I returned, but now they’re all torn down, my family’s old house too. No trace to be found. So I now not only don’t have a home, I don’t even have a homeland.
I can’t really say if my life now lives up to my expectation or comes from the choices I made. Yes and no I think. You can never predict the future. Let’s say the decision to come to Beijing was my own choice, but what lay in store for me was not something I could have chosen.
Whenever I recall my childhood, the word “barren” is the first to pop into my head, both the land and my life. Every family was poverty-stricken in that time’s China, but poverty doesn’t necessarily mean unhappiness. I remember being super happy during Chinese New Year. My sister and I playing around as if we didn’t have any other care in the world. There’s only a three-year gap between us so we get along well.
My most treasured memory? I wouldn’t describe it as “treasured” though. There’re always several specific pictures ready in the corner of your brain; you don’t’ really always think of them, or you don’t even feel that they’re particularly precious or happy, but those pictures stay anyway and remain vivid even decades later.
We were short of rice at that time, so we sometimes needed to grind the corn into flour for food. I remembered that I once went to grill corn flour with my father and my brother. I still remember for sure it was a winter day. We walked across a cropland. I don’t know if you’ve been to Northern China or not. I mean the real North, not Beijing. The dusk feels so bleak, especially in the wild, with unmelted snow scattered over the field. It’s extremely freezing in Northeast China, and complete darkness curtained the sky early and quickly. We carried the bags of flour and headed for home, our warm and brightly-lit home, a place where I knew I would be fed.
The Analects of Confucius is the book that has the most far-reaching influence on me so far. Confucius is everywhere. When you look over your left side, he is at your left; when you look over your right side, he is at your right. I think, for many of the problems in life, you can always find an answer in the remarks of Confucius.
I think life is all about feeling. Feelings come along with life itself. Even when you’re chasing after fame and fortune, it’s also about feeling. Nothing can be free from feeling.
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我叫曲一箴，沈阳人，93年离家来北京，已经将近25年了。刚来时没有正式工作，通过朋友介绍做英语家教，勉强支撑日常开销，空余时间就去北大蹭课学习德语，还抽空学小提琴。
小提琴断断续续学了10年，没能学出个大名堂，倒是和小提琴老师成为了好朋友。他是北京人，把他家的老房子借给我住。
在我居住的四合院我认识了一位美籍华人艺术家，并且受他的影响也开始接触艺术，我现在在四合院里有一个小工作室，平时举办一些艺术实践相关的活动，工作室已经创办七、八年时间了，通过这几年的时间我觉得我懂得了什么是艺术，这是我最大的收获。
问我有没有什么遗憾？从三十岁离家，我每年在家呆的时间最多不过一两个月。父母不支持我在北京，经常劝我回老家，他们不明白是什么在北京吸引我一次次地回来。我自己是知道的，在北京遇见的人和事丰富了我的生活，但是他们不理解，即使我这么说了他们也不理解。
我现在是一个没有家的人了，因为我父母都不在了。我父亲在几年前去世，母亲是去年走的。如果非要问我人生有什么遗憾的话，这大概是我最大的遗憾—没能多陪伴父母左右。但是我内心自我价值的这杆秤让我无法选择留在沈阳，留在父母身边。
唯一一次称得上有点动摇的，是前几年我妈做截肢手术，我在家里陪了她半年，这是自从我30岁离家之后在家呆的时间最长的一次，但我最后还是离开了。我爸把我送到车站。离开的时候我痛哭一场，我爸后来告诉我，他送完我回家时，我妈也在家痛哭。
我还有一个哥一个妹，我跟我哥关系不好，我们想法不一样，他狭隘，没有文化，跟他我没法交流。跟我妹倒是一直挺亲的，但是她日子过得不好，她和丈夫分居，孩子也没什么出息，她生活艰辛，但是乐观。
老家沈阳城区变化很大，刚开始我还回去看看自己的小学，初中高中，但是现在都面目全非了，沈阳的老房子也拆了，回忆里的痕迹无迹可寻了，所以我现在是既没有家，也没有故乡。
我也说不好现在的生活到底是不是自己选择的。是也不是吧，你没办法预测未来，所以你也左右不了下一步会发生什么。应该这么说，当时来北京是我自己的决定，但是在北京碰到的人和事不是。
对于自己的童年生活，我回忆起来就是两个字来形容，贫瘠。那个时候谁家都穷，但是贫穷不意味着不快乐。过年的时候是最开心的，我和妹妹一起，打打闹闹，我们只差了三岁，很合得来。
问我最珍贵的童年回忆是什么吗？可能也说不上珍贵吧，人的脑子里是会存着几张照片的，照片里的画面并不一定珍贵或者快乐，但是就是奇怪地留存下来了，很多年之后还是很清晰。
那个时候大米不够吃，要用玉米磨成面当粮食，有一天我和我爸我哥一起去磨玉米面。我还记得那个时候是冬天，我们走在田野，路过庄稼地。我不知道你有没有去过北方，不是北京，而是真正的北方。庄稼地里特别荒凉，有残雪，地里斑斑点点的，黄昏的时候，尤其显得荒凉。东北的冬天很冷，天迅速地黑了下来，我们扛着玉米面回到温暖明亮的家。那种感觉，怎么说呢，有一个地方是温暖明亮的地方，一个可以吃东西的地方。
《论语》对我人生影响比较大，孔子无处不在，往左看他在左边，往右看他在右边。生活中出现的很多问题发现都可以用孔子的话来提供回答。
我觉得人生的意义就是感受，感受和生命是一致的，来世界就是来感受。追求名、利、地位也是感受，什么都逃不出感受。
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Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang@spittooncollective.com.