Photo credit: Muto
Note from Kuang:
There is a curfew in Beijing these days due to the virus outbreak, with 24-hour security checks at the entrance of every hutong. Meng Fanquan is one of the security guards keeping watch all night. I chatted with him for over an hour, and my hands and feet were freezing up. It was nearly 11 pm when I left. My phone read zero degrees, and the coldest time of the Beijing night had yet to arrive.
北京这段时间戒严，所有的胡同口坐着保安，整夜守着。跟孟凡权聊了一个多小时，我的手脚已经冰冷。离开的时候，我看看手机，室外接近零度，北京黑夜最冷的时刻还没有到。
Meng Fanquan, male, 21 years old, security guard, from Inner Mongolia
My family name is Meng, the same as Mencius. I should be a man of culture.
But unfortunately my studies never went anywhere. When I was in school, my teacher didn’t like me. Even though he never said it aloud, I just knew it. I’m telling you, I’m good at reading people. When you’re on the teacher’s bad side, your grades are bound to suffer.
I went to a community college and studied web design. It didn’t do me much good. I couldn’t find a job after graduation. Then I opened a small restaurant with a friend in my hometown. We didn’t make any money and the business didn’t last long. So I quit and came to Beijing for a shot at a better life.
When I first arrived, I was still hoping to find a decent job in a company or something. I submitted my resume a whole bunch of times, but I never heard back. That’s when I started working as a security guard. I worked in the subway for a while. Oh, actually I did work as an office clerk for a bit too, filling out spreadsheets all day. It was a job introduced by a friend. But that place would fine you 500 kuai just for being late. I worked there for a couple weeks and hardly made a penny. In fact, I almost lost money. Then they fired me.
Working as a security guard here is alright. I got 4,000 kuai last month. If I watch my expenses, I can even save up. We’re working on two shifts. For the past few months, I’ve been working the night shift, from 9 pm to 9 am the next day.
The checkpoint is in front of the alley, where the wind blows through. I’m basically wearing our spring, summer, winter, and fall uniforms all at the same time. But my feet are still icy cold. Someone said that I could freeze to death if I keep working like this. No way this is gonna kill me. Me? This’ll make me stronger. We human beings are born to suffer, aren’t we? You have to go through hard times for life to improve.
When it’s really cold, I stand up and move around a little. Have you heard of the app called Zouduoduo? You can get money from walking. For the number of steps I walk every day, I can get one or two kuai.
A couple kuai is money too! Almost enough for me to buy a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since my second year in junior middle school. A buddy taught me how to blow smoke rings. Since then I’ve only become more and more addicted. Now I smoke five packs a day. That means I light a cigarette up every few minutes. I smoke the cheapest type called Dafengshou, 2.5 kuai a pack.
The cold at night isn’t the worst part for me. What’s unbearable is just sitting here. Before midnight, there are still people passing by from time to time. But the street gets very quiet deeper into the night, almost no one to be seen. I can only play with my phone to kill some time. I like to watch some comedy shows with the volume on high, to make it feel like someone’s here with me.
Every night I’ll see some beggars walking through. They don’t look crazy or anything, just dirty. One night, it must have been past 1 am, a beggar came by and rummaged through that pile of garbage for a long time. The second he found a mooncake he was nibbling on it. If I don’t work hard, I could be like him.
There was this buddy who used to come chat sometimes. He always bragged to me that he can earn 600 kuai a day. I didn’t find out until later that he cleans toilets. 600 kuai a day? Who is he fooling?
My food and accommodation are provided by the job, only in very crowded workers’ dormitories. Five or six of us live together in a small room. We have a fat guy who snores like crazy. But that doesn’t affect me. By the time I get off work at 9, I fall asleep the second my head touches the pillow.
My parents back in Inner Mongolia are farmers. They grow corn and do other odd jobs to earn a living. I don’t contact them very often. When it’s time for me to start work, they’re getting ready for bed. When it’s daytime, it’s my turn to sleep. It’s like we live in two different worlds. But I send money back every month as soon as I get paid. I have a younger brother in junior high school. I want to support him so he gets a good education. I don’t want him to end up like me.
I’m 21 years old but somehow I feel much older than that. I feel like it’s been such a long life for me already, and I barely remember anything from my childhood. I just remember that my parents often beat me. If they hadn’t beaten me so much, I wouldn’t have turned out so introverted. If I could start my life all over, I would study more. Then my life wouldn’t be so difficult.
But 21 isn’t too late, right? I’m planning to take the exam to get a certificate in health management. There are three levels. I have to start from the basic level. It costs over 3,000 kuai for one exam. I’m saving up for it.
I especially believe in samsara. I figured that out while I was sleeping. Think about it—all of creation can reincarnate, flowers and plants can reincarnate, cats and dogs can reincarnate, and people must be able to as well!
I believe in reincarnation, so I also believe in karma. I once borrowed 200 kuai from a friend. I didn’t have any money at that time, but I still found a way to pay him back. One reason was I didn’t have the heart not to—he was in a very bad situation himself. He was sleeping on the street at the time. The other reason was that I was afraid of retribution. No one gets away with a bad deed.
I just hope that I can have a stable life, to have a steady job, and maybe run an online business on the side so I can save money to buy a house. Not here, of course. That’d cost millions. I’ll never make that much in my whole lifetime. Only if I get born with a silver spoon in the next life, then we can talk about it!
The world is unfair, but I never complain. We should stay happy no matter what happens. That’s what my dad told me when I left home. I think he’s right. I think the meaning of life is just to live. No matter whether things are good or bad, there is meaning.
Edited by David Huntington and Dan Xin Huang
孟凡权，男，21岁，保安，老家内蒙
我姓孟，孟子的孟，应该是个文化人才对。
可我读书偏偏没读出什么名堂。上学的时候，老师不喜欢我，他虽然嘴上没说，可是我心里清楚。我看人心思，跟你说，一看一个准。老师不喜欢我，我成绩自然就差。
我读了个专科，学的什么网页设计。学出来没用啊，找不到工作。我刚开始在老家，跟一个朋友干了一段时间餐饮，一点钱没赚到，干不下去了，就跑到北京来了。
刚来北京我还是想着能进公司上班，投了好几次简历，没人要，我就干起了保安。先跟地铁里待了一阵，后来又有一个认识的人介绍，当了十几天文员，每天做表格，那个破地方，迟到一次扣500块，上了十几天班，一个子儿没挣着，差点倒贴，后来被开了。
在这当保安工资还可以，上个月还拿到了4000块，省着花还是能能攒点钱下来的。我们上班黑白班轮流倒，这段时间，我都是上晚班，从晚上九点到第二天早上九点。
值班当着胡同口，穿堂风对着吹，春夏秋冬发的工作服，我一股脑全套身上了，就是冻脚。有人说这么冻，会冻死人的。我冻不死，这点苦还是能吃的，扛一扛就过去了。我呀，现在是在经历磨练呢，知道吧，人来这个世上就是要吃苦的，经受得住磨练，生活才能越过越好。
实在冷的时候我就站起来活动活动，有个App叫走多多你知道不？用这个App，走路还能换钱呢，按我每天走路的步数，我能从里面得个一块两块的。
一块两块也不嫌多呀，差点就能买包烟了。我从初二就开始抽烟了，一个哥们儿教我吐烟圈，打那时候起，我烟瘾越来越重，现在一天抽五包。什么概念？就是每隔几分钟来一根。我抽烟抽最便宜的，2块5一包的大丰收。
晚上值班冷还不是最难受的，关键是这么坐一晚上，难熬啊。上半夜还时不时有人路过，能见到人，到了下半夜，街道都空了。只能玩手机打发时间，看点搞笑节目，把声音放大点，就当有个伴儿似的。
每天晚上，都会有乞丐路过这里，看着都挺正常的，精神没问题，就是身上脏了吧唧的。有天晚上差不多一点多了吧，有个乞丐在这垃圾堆里翻半天翻出了一个月饼，在这就开始啃。我如果不努力，估计过得跟他们差不多。
前两天还有一个哥们儿，晚上总来找我聊天，跟我这吹牛逼，说他一天能赚600块。我后来才知道他是干环卫的，一天600，蒙谁呢。
我们干保安的，一般都管吃管住。住的就是集体宿舍，一个小屋子，五六个人一起。我们那屋有个胖子，打呼巨响，不过他吵不着我，好容易扛到9点下班，我回去倒头就睡着了。
我老家在内蒙，爸妈都是农民，在家种点玉米，再做点其他杂七杂八的零活挣点钱。我平时跟家里联系得也少，我晚上上班的时候，他们差不多该睡了，到了白天呢，我又在睡觉。所以我们像生活在两个世界一样，有时差。但是我每个月都往家里寄钱，一发工资了就寄。我家里还有个小弟，现在在上初中，我想供他好好上学，别到时候跟我一样。
我今年21岁，可我总感觉活了不止这么些年似的，感觉人生已经过了很久了，小时候的事情也都记不清了，只记得我爸我妈常打我。他们要是不打我，我后来性格也不会那么内向。如果人生可以重来的话，我会更努力学习，也就不用这么辛苦了。
21岁再努力还不晚吧。我打算考个健康管理师的证，这个证分一二三级，我得从最初级开始开始考，考一次试要3000多，现在正存钱呢。
我特别相信轮回，这是我睡觉的时候琢磨出来的。你想啊，万事万物都有轮回，花花草草有轮回，猫啊狗啊的也有轮回，人肯定也有。
我相信轮回，所以我也相信因果报应。我有一次我管一个朋友借了200块钱，我那时候没钱，但后来还是想办法还给他了。一个是我心软，因为他也没钱，他当时自己都睡大街了，另一个是我怕报应，人不能做坏事。
我就是希望过得踏踏实实的，以后能有个稳定的工作，再业余弄个电商什么的，能存钱买个房。当然不是在这买，几百万呐，我一辈子也别想赚到，下辈子轮回做个有钱人还差不多！
这个世界很不公平，可是我从来不抱怨。不管遇到什么事情，都要开心，这话还是我离开家的时候我爸跟我说的。我觉得他说得对，我觉得人生的意义就是活着，不管过得是好是坏，活着就是意义。
Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang@spittooncollective.com.