Photo by Muto
Note from Kuang:
I met Mu’zi on a three-hour train ride from Beijing, where we spent the whole journey talking about her marriage. She wasn’t very emotional when we had the conversation, but more like she was talking about someone else’s story. It was a night train, and the light outside cast on her face through the window from time to time as she spoke of her flickering faith in marriage.
我在火车上遇到木子，三个小时的路程她跟我这个陌生人聊了三个小时她的婚姻她的生活。她说这些的时候并没有情绪很激动，像在诉说别人的故事，我静静听着，火车飞驰，窗外偶尔照进来打在她脸上的光像是她对婚姻忽明忽灭的美丽幻想。
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*The name has been changed to protect individual privacy.
*本文中出现的人名为化名。
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Mu’zi, female, 33 years old, from Shandong province
I’ve been in Beijing about eight years. I met a local man here four years ago. We got married and had a son.
I don’t know what about him attracted me in the first place. He’s four years older than me and very ordinary-looking. God knows what I was thinking.
He wasn’t earning any money when we were dating. With some of my own savings and the 10,000 kuai my mom gave me, I threw a wedding party at my home village inviting around 50 people. Without a wedding ring or a wedding dress, I stepped into this marriage with all my beautiful fantasies.
My family lives in a small village, and all the villagers were enviously impressed that I was able to marry a Beijinger.
I can’t think of any romantic memories from over two years of marriage. He is anything but a sweet-talker, and quite the opposite if he has a bad temper. A few times, he’s called me honey. That would make me happy for days.
Once, at a dinner together with a friend of mine and his wife, my friend asked us not to order dishes with cilantro because his wife didn’t eat it. I was so envious. I wished my husband was that caring.
Unlike me, he is an only child from an all right family, so he’s barely experienced hardship. He doesn’t understand that it’s not easy to earn a living and refuses to take just any job. Instead, he fantasizes about making a big fortune overnight through so-called “investment.” But there are no pennies from heaven. All his impulsive investments turned out in vain. Meanwhile I’m doing better at my job day by day, which makes him feel that I stole his thunder and the dominant role at home. That’s why we started arguing more and more.
We actually had a breakup once. After we dated for awhile, I found him quite emotionally unstable, so I broke up with him. Then, a few days later, he showed up at my workplace with a fruit knife, put it to my throat, and demanded I take him back.
It was so stupid, but I got back with him anyway. I’m an idiot, right? There must be something wrong with me.
We had a terrible fight yesterday. He grabbed the back of my neck, threw me violently to the floor, and shouted at me to get out of the house. My head hit the ground hard and still hurts terribly.
At this point, he has totally destroyed all my faith in our marriage. I no longer expect anything from him. The only thing that’s weighing on my chest is my two-year-old son. I can’t imagine life without him, but there’s no way my husband will give me custody. Besides, with my husband my son will be able to keep his Beijing hukou and attend these Beijing public schools.That’s better for him than a rural hukou in Shandong.
My son is the center of my world. I barely had any sleep last night. I held my son tight in my arms with tears streaming down my face. I dreamt of him when I took a nap just now. He looked at me with a big smile. He’s a happy baby.
I had an abortion this April. I was over four months into my pregnancy. The baby had grown enough that you could clearly see the shape of his hands and feet. He died prematurely due to a heart development problem. When I had the abortion surgery, I was so calm that I even surprised the doctor. I wouldn’t cry over it. It’s not like it was going to make any difference. I actually feel relieved that I didn’t give birth to a second child. Otherwise, my life would be even more broken with my heart divided between two children.
It was an unplanned pregnancy. My husband sometimes removes the condom during sex or doesn’t even bother to wear it. He doesn’t care about the consequences for me. It’s partly my fault that I didn’t try to be tougher and defend myself because I wanted to avoid conflict. But I’m awake to it now after that painful pregnancy experience. I won’t forget that pain.
I feel like my whole married life has been a long dream. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking he will become a more responsible husband, for our family’s and our child’s sake. I don’t think there is any turning back to our broken marriage. A divorce is unavoidable.
My husband would be happy to divorce me. His family lives in the Fengtai district, which is going through a governmental renovation. His family’s house is in the demolition zone, which means he will get a large compensation from the government. If he divorces me, he can keep all the money in his own pocket without giving me a thing.
My mother-in-law can’t get anywhere with him either—he won’t listen to her. And I know what kind of “comfort” I can expect from her. She would tell me that that’s how marriage works. She would tell me to endure. “Your father-in-law and I have been arguing our whole life, but we survived, didn’t we?” That’s probably how most of the older generation think of marriage. “What marriage doesn’t have its bumps?” they say. But I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Nobody does.
I was living on my own before I met him—the thought of having a family to keep me company was so comforting then. I was so happy when I got married, like everyone is. Who gets married expecting to divorce? But marriage disappoints unexpectedly. People buy insurance to guarantee security, but there is no insurance for marriage.
I grew up with my adoptive family. My biological parents abandoned me because I was their second daughter. They gave me away to another couple when I was only five months old, but that couple didn’t keep me. An old woman took care of me for a few days after the couple got rid of me until I was finally adopted by my current parents. I had a relatively peaceful life with my adoptive family. My father was a principal for a local primary school. He’s a good man and he never beat me. I have two elder brothers and two elder sisters, who all treat me very well. I feel really lucky for this.
I’ve never mentioned my marriage problems to my parents. My dad was poisoned from a gas leak accident and can only think like a child now. My mom has heart problems. I don’t want them to worry about me.
I secretly visited my biological parents not long ago. I used to hate them for abandoning me, but when I had my own child, I understood what it’s like to be a parent. There are no selfish parents in the world. Giving me away must have been a difficult and painful decision for them, just like how I feel at the thought of leaving my own son. They’re old now, and I don’t want them to carry this regret to the grave.
My mom hugged me and cried out when we met, the very first time in decades. She was both happy and filled with guilt. She said there hasn’t been one moment she didn’t regret giving me away. She said they should have kept me even if it meant not having my younger brother or working harder to support the family.
I told them that I’m married and living in Beijing now, that I have a lovely son, and that my husband and mother-in-law treat me well. I told them I’m having a good life.
Edited by David Huntington and Simon Shieh
木子，女，33岁，山东人
我来北京一算有8年了。我嫁在这儿，老公是北京人，我们认识四年多，孩子都两岁了。
我们是自由恋爱认识的，他大我四岁，长得也不怎么样，可当时偏偏像魔怔了似的就看上他了。搞对象那会儿他处于低谷期，一个钢镚儿拿不出来，我用自己的积蓄还有我妈给的一万块，在村里张罗了五桌酒席， 没有戒指，没有婚纱，就这么结了婚。我是农村的，能嫁到北京村里人都觉得我嫁得特别好，能在北京安家落户。
结婚两年多，要说有什么浪漫的事儿，一件都想不起来。他不是一个嘴甜的人，有时候冲我喊声媳妇儿我 就觉得很暖心了，可这样的时刻都很少很少。记得有一次同学聚会，有一个男的带着老婆一起参加，到了就交代说他媳妇儿不吃香菜，我特羡慕，想着要是我老公也能记得我爱吃什么不爱吃什么该多好。
他是独生子，从小没过过苦日子，什么工作都瞧不上，总想着要着赚大钱。但哪有那么好赚的钱？他做过的几笔投资都打水漂了。我事业不断上升，他心理不平衡，觉得我气势压过他，自己在家里没有地位，我们的矛盾也就越来越多。
我们中途其实分过一次手的。相处一段时间我发现他这人脾气有点琢磨不透，便提出分手。分手没几天，他跑到我上班的地方，拿着水果刀抵着我脖子，逼我跟他复合。
他都这么混了，我居然还是跟他在一起了，你说我是不是傻，是不是有病？
我们昨天刚大吵一架，他动手打我，掐着我脖子把我猛地推倒在地，我头撞到地板，我现在脑袋轻轻一晃就很疼，脖子也疼，他打完我之后叫我滚。婚姻走到这一步，我对他也没什么留恋的了，放不下的是孩子。他是不可能把儿子抚养权让给我的，再说孩子跟着他是北京户口，能在北京上学，对孩子也好一点，跟着我只能是山东农村户口。
孩子是一辈子的心头肉，我昨晚几乎一夜没睡，抱着儿子，抱得紧紧的，流了一晚上眼泪。我刚刚还做了一个梦，梦见我们家孩子，梦见他冲我乐呢，他呀，就爱乐。
我今年四月初刚拿掉一个孩子，怀了四个多月，小手小脚丫都成型了。可是胎儿心脏发育不好，胎内死亡了。去做手术把胎儿拿掉的时候，医生说你心理素质真好，一般女人都该哭天抢地了。哭有什么用？我现在想得亏老二没生下来，不然一个心要牵挂两个孩子，我这日子更难过。
老二是意外怀孕的，因为我老公有时候不愿意用避孕套，觉得麻烦。他才不为我考虑，全图自己一时快活。我以前怕他不高兴，都顺着他，但有了这事儿之后我不了，苦是我在受，我不能好了伤疤忘了疼，你说是不是？
我觉得这两年过得像一场梦，我总想着他能为这个家为我们的孩子有改变。以前一个人在北京打拼，到后来遇见他结了婚，想着总算是有了一个家，有个一起吃饭的人，挺好。当然了，结婚的时候都是开心的，谁也不是抱着要离婚的想法结的婚，我结婚的时候也开心啊，哪成想会把日子过成这样？很多人买保险当保障，可是婚姻呢，婚姻的保障是什么？
这个婚怕是离定了，我老公巴不得跟我离了呢。他家在丰台区，最近那一片要改建，他们家在拆迁范围内，拆迁了能分一笔钱，离了就不用跟我分这笔钱了。
我婆婆呢，她没辙，我老公不听她的。而且她会劝我说，哪对夫妻不吵架？我跟他爸也是这么吵过来的，也打过，不还是过？其他老一辈的人可能也会这么劝我吧，哪个婚姻不是磕磕碰碰的？可我觉得我不能这么委屈自己。
我是养父母带大的，我亲生父母想要儿子，生下我的时候5个月便送了人，因为我上面已经有个姐姐了。送的那户人家接收了之后女方不同意，就把我丢给一个老太太，是我现在的养父母从老太太那里收养的我。我养父原来是小学校长，心肠特别好，对孩子教育也从不讲蛮横，从来没动手打过我。我养父母家里有两个哥哥两个姐姐，他们都对我很好，我觉得自己还是很幸运的。
我在这边受的苦受的气从来没跟我爸妈提过，我爸煤气中毒，现在只有小孩子的智力，我妈也上年纪了，又有心脏病，我不想老人为我操心。
我上次背着家人拎着东西回去看我亲生父母了。我自己现在也是母亲，能理解做父母的感受，天下没有自私的父母，他们当时肯定有不得已。他们也上年纪了，我不想他们心里留遗憾。这么多年没见过面，我妈见到我就抱着我哭，又开心又愧疚，她说当时不应该把我送人，即使再困难，哪拍不要后面这个弟弟，也应该咬咬牙把我养出来。
我跟他们说我已经结婚了， 嫁在北京，有一个儿子，儿子很可爱，老公和婆婆对我也不错。我跟他们说我过得挺好的。
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Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang@spittooncollective.com.